My Anxiety is a Gift

my-anxiety-is-a-giftMy eldest daughter was born bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. She could hold her head up strong by two weeks old and looked around like she knew the world had something to offer her and she didn’t want to miss it.

It never seemed like we had a newborn stage with her. She was on the go from very early on. I felt her movement early for a first pregnancy, and her kicks and rolls never stopped. Upon first inspection from the pediatrician at a few hours old, he looked at me and told me she was spirited. At first, I felt caught off guard that he had labeled my precious baby so early in her life, but I quickly came to realize he was right. We spent hours rocking her, bouncing her and doing anything to console her. Our sweet baby was either super happy or super angry. She didn’t seem to have a setting that was content and calm. She was a going concern one way or another. Yet somehow, as a new mother, this never seemed to rattle me too much. Sure, there were days that I was overwhelmed and grumpy because I was sleep deprived and caring for a colicky baby, but I was happy and loving motherhood.

I can’t say for certain when the anxiety came creeping into my life. Perhaps, it had been there all along, lying dormant only exposing itself in tiny ways, hardly even recognizable. It really just seemed to appear. But as I look back now, there were signs.

We tried for eighteen months to get pregnant the second time. The first time it was so easy, we never even got to try. But after months of trying for our second, the worry began to creep over me. I wore it like a heavy blanket on my shoulders. One of those itchy wool blankets that are just too hot and uncomfortable no matter the season. Fears began to rise within me and a panic settled in. What if I couldn’t get pregnant again? What if the first time was a fluke? The frustration and the worry had turned me into the worst version of myself. My once rock-solid faith now wavered. I began to question everything and was short, mean and angry towards those I love most – my husband and my daughter. While they both brought me joy and happiness, I felt like I was going to break from the heartache and longing for another baby. Anything would