If you were peek in at my life from simply what I have been writing recently, you would think that my life seems great. We are getting out as a family, crafting and homeschooling once again. On the other hand, if you were to take a gaze behind our closed doors on a regular day you would still see a mama who still struggles most days to get out of bed in the mornings and struggles to love her children when they need it the most. Mornings and nights are the most horrible for me. I suppose it is because when everyone needs something from me; breakfast made, getting dressed, driven to school or work. As for the night it is always me that they want to put them to bed. Always me that needs to lay with them. It breaks me that my own heart is not in it right now.
My heart still damaged. Still needs time.
This does not mean that I am not grateful for my children or that I do not love them, but I am still sick. And some days and nights I just cannot do it.
I am not healed, but I am healing. It takes time.
I think there is a huge misconception about depression. There are many forms of depression and the time frame for healing is different for everyone. Relapses happen as well. It is an illness. Just like a physical illness, depression is devastating and destroys who you are. You can sometimes get so lost in the downpour that you don’t know who you are or why you are here at all. I cannot always turn these thoughts off. They are getting less and less but they still do pop up.
I am not healed, but I am healing. Yes I am mostly myself, but not fully whole and I do not think I actually will ever be, or if I ever was. I know now, that I have had this since I was a child and only getting treatment now means I could have a long road ahead of me. Roads with paths that will be smooth and free and others that will be torrential down pouring and oppressing.
I am not healed, but I am healing. My family, friends but mostly my faith are what keep me going. God’s promises of a new day delight me, “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5b. Each day is new. A day when I may be okay. Hope that I will be okay. Our Lord is good and He is good to me, to us, our family.
Depression does not come from a lack of thanksgiving but from a lack of chemicals in our brains. Trauma that has altered our minds that they can no longer sustain regular duties, love even. I love my children and my husband but the trauma that I have suffered over this past year of three miscarriages and losing my dad suddenly, is just too much at times. Yes, the medication is working, and thank you God for that. Yet not every day is sunshine and rainbows. We are in our own hurricane at times. Floating aimlessly as the wind thrashes us this way and that, waiting for the light to break through and calm our souls and for our feet to touch the ground once again.
I am not healed, but I am healing.
I’m Shannon! Adventurer. Wife. Mommy. Photographer. Writer. I wear my heart on my sleeve and love Earnest Hemingway quotes: “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” Find her on her blog, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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